For what it's worth, I'm not sure what I'm doing. You'd think that I'd have a better handle on my life. After all, I've been at it for over fifty-four years now. But for as long as I can claim a conscious participation in life (which probably didn't REALLY occur until I was about thirty), I have been processing all incoming data and experiences to such an extent and with such enthusiasm that I forgot to make a plan for myself. I failed to forge a pact between my dreams and my reality and negotiate a compromise; the outcome of which would have then become: WHO I AM.
No, I was far too preoccupied trying to figure out what it all meant; everything "out there." All that tangle of life in various stages that seemed to wrap around me whether I invited it or not asking of me only that I deal with it. And that I did. But until very recently I dealt with it in such a random way that an outsider might have thought I had a personality disorder...or multiples of them.
The reason for this being that I had no core connection to or sense of who I was so that I addressed pretty much every situation the way I perceived I was 'supposed' to; almost as though I simply plucked instructions from a book. I think this confused my kids. It certainly confused me. Imagine not knowing from moment to moment whether you were Mohammed Ali or Mother Teresa? I would 'dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee' one minute then issue blessings replete with Holy Water and the Sign of The Cross the next!
And don't get me started on religion! I read Tarot cards at psychic fairs and still said three full Rosaries a day! Is it any wonder my three kids have serious conflicts about their upbringing?
The only real constant has been my art. I have continued to explore and grow and challenge myself in that regard, and I've seen changes there as well. Good changes. Changes that seem to have assimilated themselves from everything that was good about all the wisdom and people and lessons and beliefs and dreams I have absorbed into myself from "out there." My faith in God has also remained steadfast.
It seems that it is within these two distinct loyalties that I am beginning to ultimately consolidate into one person. Perhaps a person who, by today's frivolous and fickle standards, might be a bit long in the tooth and motley; but at least I am making another go of it. I'm doing what is normally associated with and reserved for the young. I am taking risks.
Next step: Create a website where I can sell my unique, whimsical, sacred, and diverse art and jewelry.
I'll keep you posted...............
